It's 5am and I have had severe insomnia for days. I should be awake in the middle of the night for a whole different reason...
You should have arrived today, whole and happy and perfect. Today, I should be exhausted and aching bringing you into this world, but instead, I'm wide awake and aching FOR you.
No one ever warned me when I started on my journey to bring you into this world how unbelievably empty I would feel if I couldn't. I had struggled for years with a terrible disease, but never had I felt the pain and anguish of having you slip away.
And yet, for that short period of time, you brought me incredible joy. You brought me hope that I could conceive a child naturally, after so many doctors told me that was impossible. Trying to conceive a child with stage IV Endometriosis, I was told time and time again that I would never have a child without invasive fertility treatments.
But there you were. Five months after I had excision surgery, just two weeks after starting our journey with NaPro technology, there was a tiny pink line on a test strip. You proved to me that supporting hormonal imbalances naturally was worth pursuing...but also that I had another choice available to me. While I never looked into your eyes, you touched my life in a way no one else ever will.
Today, I cry tears of a mother with empty arms, but I also hope for a future filled with joy and laughter. I hope for sleepless nights spent cradling a miracle in my arms, whether born through me or brought to me through adoption. You slowed my frantic race toward pregnancy, and instead set me on the path to motherhood. You opened my heart to the possibilities of parenthood I had never really considered before, and brought to me a peace I had not known until you lived within me. You opened my heart to the possibilities of building a family in whatever way might come to pass...and for that, I am truly grateful.
Today, I will cry. I will wrap myself in your father's arms and think of what could have been.
But tomorrow, I will raise my eyes to the heavens and hope for what is meant to be.
I miss you with all my heart, my little angel.